Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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