How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have post one night stand depression
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
