All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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