Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
