You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
