Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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