i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
