You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
