It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
