are you still at the devil's house?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
