4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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