So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
