sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
