She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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