I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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