Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Randomize
