just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
