$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
