i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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