Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
