honey bunches of taint.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
