that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
