Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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