Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I looked at my own cervix.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
