the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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