dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
