this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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