the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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