Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
try to milk me bitch
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
