i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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