One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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