I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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