I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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