I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
