I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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