every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
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How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
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I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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