never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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