Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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