Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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