I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
