I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Can I color on your dick again?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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