my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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