That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
