I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
