Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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