Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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