if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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