i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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