If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just gargled with NyQuil
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
