The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize