Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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