I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
