dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
