i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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